How To Say No After Trauma
“No”, a seemingly simple word, can be hard to say sometimes. Especially for those who have dealt with traumatic experiences. But what exactly is trauma, and how can it affect saying no?
The American Psychological Association defines trauma as “any disturbing experience that results in significant fear, helplessness, dissociation, confusion, or other disruptive feelings intense enough to have a long-lasting negative effect on a person’s attitudes, behavior, and other aspects of functioning.”
After experiencing trauma, individuals may find it difficult to say no due to fears of rejection, danger, and conflict because a fear of further harm can override personal boundaries.
Why is saying “No” after a traumatic experience important?
Saying “No” and staying true to what you truly want is a power that you hold. You have the right to say “No” in any given circumstance. Although it is difficult to say “No” after a traumatic event, it is not only a practice of self-respect but also a crucial factor of healing, agency, and self-protection. It is a necessary skill needed to build boundaries between yourself and those around you to prevent encountering another traumatic experience, whether from the same person and situation, or a different person and situation. By reclaiming your agency, establishing healthy boundaries, and practicing self-care, you break the cycle of trauma by empowering yourself to heal from previous trauma and build healthier relationships.
The importance of boundaries and how to set them
Saying no is a form of setting boundaries because it defines what you are comfortable with, protects your well-being, and communicates your limits to others. Boundaries are especially important for victims of trauma because they create a safe space that allows for emotional healing and processing. By relearning how to establish boundaries, individuals slowly regain a feeling of control over their lives and interactions, a feeling they may have lost through their traumatic experience. Initially, establishing boundaries can be challenging, and maintaining them may feel even more difficult, especially if you’re not used to putting yourself first or if you have had your initially established boundaries violated. However, over time, it becomes easier and more natural, especially when you remind yourself that boundaries are an essential form of self-care. Prioritizing your own needs is not selfish. It’s a necessary step toward emotional well-being. Still, it can sometimes bring feelings of guilt or shame, particularly if you’ve been conditioned to always accommodate others. Learning to be comfortable with that discomfort and still choose yourself is the first step towards healing and regaining your sense of control over your life.
Although there may not be a set of instructions that guarantee success, there are some tips and goals to remember.
Understand your boundaries and what you are or are not comfortable with. Your boundaries protect your peace, and it is okay to say “no” to situations or people who you think will disturb your peace.
You are never obligated to say “yes”. You have the right to say “no”. Saying “no” empowers you and allows you control over your life.
Clearly define, recognize, and communicate your boundaries. Reflect on your values and what you are comfortable with. If you’re in a situation where you are not comfortable, stand up for yourself and make your boundaries known.
Consistency. With practice, saying “no” and setting boundaries will feel more natural, and your dedication will be paid off. You will eventually know how to put yourself first without feeling scared or uncomfortable because, at the end of the day, you are doing what's best for yourself and what you are comfortable with.
Having a support system can also be helpful. Whether it is from friends, family, or a therapist, a support system can be beneficial to your healing and help you maintain your goals and boundaries.